Tag: SEXUAL ABUSE

Living Familyless

survivor's shadow

For the last few days I’ve been waking up asking God first thing “Why am I alone?” I know I left my ex-husband eight years ago because I was struggling with some hurt of my own but I never expected to be single for the rest of my life God.” Or at least that’s how it feels. Then I began to reflect on the fact that I am alone when it comes to family as well. As large as my family is I have not one cousin who I can just pick up the phone and say “let’s hang out. I’ll be over in a minute” Why is this? Not to mention I have no kids at the age of 42. Again, I ask “Why is this?” and the way my mind works these questions will stay on repeat until they are answered. Luckily all my answers showed up this evening.

As the hours passed through the day, I felt better about something really significant. With all the responsibilities of being a parent to my siblings growing up it is probably time for me to be alone in order to reset and reflect on what I want my life to look and feel like at the end of each day. So when I was invited out to catch up with a friend that was in town visiting I jumped on it. Not because I needed something to do but because I knew the energy, I would be spending with this group of individuals would be reciprocated.

So around 6:30 p.m. we met up for dinner. We talked, laughed, ate and talked some more. It was a great feeling to catch up on what this particular friend had going on since they relocated to be closer to their family. I felt at home as I spent time with them. It was at this moment I realized the feeling of being alone wasn’t due to the lack of positioned people such as a husband, cousin or a longtime high school friend. It’s due to my lack of appreciation for what I already have in my life. Family members cross my path in unexpected ways all the time. No they aren’t blood related but sometimes the best love come from the people you don’t know. The best thing about this is I know them when I feel them. The love and energy are undeniable.

So back to me feeling alone. Sometimes I just need a gently reminder that I’m never alone I am just sitting still. My life is more than a shadow.

Salute to the Savior Sunday

Hey friend,

How are you feeling today? Not so well . Sorry to hear this is going on with you right now.  May I pray for you? You said yes. Ok well here you go.

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for waking me up this morning to see another day.

I woke with a clear heart and mind ready to receive the blessing of this day.

I thank you for all the connections whether new or old that will come my way today.

I pray the reconnection will be a blessing to us both.  I pray for my family and friend’s health and wellbeing so they may operate in your Will today, Lord.

I surrender and trust your Will for my life as well Lord.

I will continue to learn my craft in order to perfect my assignment.

Thank you for trusting me with such a fulfilling purpose, Lord.

In your name I pray,

AMEN

I hope this prayer is a blessing for you my friend.

With Hugs and Love,

Lakell

Living in Singleness

Hey friend,
How are you feeling? Pretty good. I’m glad to hear that life is treating you well today.
How am I doing? I’m ok. Better than I was yesterday.  Since the last time we talked alot has happened in my life that I want to share with you.
I dealt with breakup from someone who I trusted with my heart.  He motivated me daily to move forward in everything I wanted to do. We laughed, we cried and sometimes we just spent priceless time just listening to each other.  I needed and wanted all of that so much I ignored the subtle signs.
Why would I not trust him?
Our love for music, family and the desire to create freely matched up so well I felt like we had met before.  I didn’t realize it at the time but I needed him to fill this hole in my soul. The desire to be wanted.  I gave him the responsibility of showing me he wanted me consistently in order for me to feel loved. Although he wasn’t faithful neither was I.  I haven’t been faithful with myself for a long time.
Looking back I realize although I was in a relationship for thirteen years and married for three I never really lived in my singleness.
I moved in with my ex-husband who was my boyfriend at the time when I was eighteen.  Not because I loved him but because I couldn’t get along with my mother’s boyfriend.  He was verbally abuse to me and my siblings when my mother wasn’t around.  She said during one of our many agruements one day started by him ” One of you have to go” so I left and she let me leave.  I was now living with my boyfriend to escape my current situation. No alone time there.
Fast forward to thirteen years later the feeling of uncomfortableness grew unbearable so I separated myself from my husband. Someone had my attention during this transition which made it easier to leave. No alone time here either.
This has continued for the last eight years.  I was afraid to be alone with myself forget about being single. It was not a time of reflection but a time of depression.  I was struggling to survive emotionally.  I need to be in a relationship since that was all I knew.
Yesterday I came across a sermon by Pastor Michael Todd from Transformation Church on youtube. You should really check it out.
He talked about how important it is to live in your singleness.  Hmm I never thought about it as being a necessary stage in life.   I thought I needed to be in a relationship quickly after my divorce since I was getting older which is not true at all.
My last relationship was a mirror of some of my insecurities and weakness. I blamed him for being dishonest when I was dishonest with myself. I often appreciated the time we weren’t together because I knew if we were together all the time I would commit my everything to him instead of HIM. It scared me that I may neglect my goals to be in relationship. That fear was a sign that this isn’t the time to be in any relationship.  I know now I need to focus on what God wants me to do. Everything will fall into place in His time.
Well friend I’ll talk to you later.
With Hugs and Love,
Lakell

Mental Suicide

Dear Thoughts,

You are not always there for me.

Like I expect

You’re sometimes mean to me.

Like I expect

You are that comfortable pain.

Like I expect

But don’t misunderstand

Although I expect different

Sometimes different is unhealthy

That’s why I require daily check-ins

Just to make sure we’re still ok

Although suicide was the plan

I take a stand.

To fight for our mental state.

 

Learning to love me always,

Lakell

 

How are you feeling mentally?

Salute to the Savior Sunday

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for allowing me to see another day.

Another chance at this life to live.

I want to thank you today for your love, Lord

You love me when I have a hard time loving myself.

you whisper sweet reminders to my soul that only your love is real.

When you talk to me I hear love.

When you answer me I feel love.

When you protect me your covering is love.

When you change me I see love.

Thank you for you are the light of my life, Lord

In your name

I pray

AMEN

9 years of Survivorship

 

2/3/15:27pm

I am a survivor again today

Like every day since the second month

and fourth day nine years ago

It started with a nudge from God

followed by a obedient doctor

who felt my heart and pain

to my acceptance of the information given

with an ingenuine attempt to follow through

but God kept nudging me

reminding me that I promised to move next time

HE showed up

744 hours  of second guessing

until today

I’m glad I accepted God’s healing

So today I could have the opportunity to celebrate

a huge milestone in my survivor life

I’ve cried, I’ve been depressed, I opened my heart to live again.

Today  I thank you God for my counselor Mrs. Ann Mcleod

who has lead me closer to you for the last 9 years.

It’s my SURVIVORVERSARY!!!

With Hugs and Love,

Lakell

 

When is your survivorversary?  Let’s celebrate!!!!!

Salute to the Savior Sunday

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for filling my heart up with possibilities for all I pray for daily.

I love the unexpected glimpse into the next chapter for me.

You show me that if I remain grateful and faithful that nothing is impossible.

And as a bonus you drop people in my life that confirm your plan for me.

Your angels are extremely obedient to you orders.

I receive all the good news.

I wait patiently for the ultimate reveal.

I Love and Honor you,Lord

In your Name,

I Pray

AMEN

I Have a Dream…Thank You DR. King !!!!

I Have a Dream…

that one day all sexual abuse against children will STOP.

I Have a Dream...

that one day survivors will finally be heard by the people who were suppose to protect them.

I Have a Dream…

that one day all survivors will be HEALED leaving room for new memories to live.

I Have a Dream…

that one day we will not be judge by our bad attitudes but understood by the past that created the bad attitude.

I Have a Dream…

that one day all survivors will  STAND UP and REMAIN STANDING STRONG leaving no survivor behind.

This is my dream for us from this day forward.

What is your dream?

With Hugs and Love,

Lakell

Salute to the Savior Sunday

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for this day.

Thank you choosing me to live in this day.

I am grateful for the blessings you will bring me, Lord.

I surrender to your Will for my life right now.

Tell me what I need to know.

I am listening with a receiving heart.

Cover me as I travel to and from my destination today, Lord.

Direct my path and protect my soul.

In your Name,

I pray

AMEN

Salute to the Savior Sunday

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for another day to glorify your NAME.

I am honored to be chosen to wake up one more time.  I have so much work still left to do.

Lord, thank you the desire of change.  I know that it is time for me to move forward fast in order to be able to take advantage of all opportunities ahead for me.  This is the moment you have prepared me for Lord.

Thank you for trusting me with the assignment of walking alongside other survivors like myself.  Let them hear loud and clear from  you that they are no longer ALONE.

I love you, I honor you,  I give you praise.

In your name I pray.

AMEN