When I received the great news from my boss that I was leaving from work in ten hours instead of twelve hours today I said”Ok, that’s good. I’ll be able to go ahead and get the gym out the way.” Right? Right!! I was excited and ready to go. So, when the time clock struck 16:06 p.m. I was out the door. This is when the nonsense in my mind began.
Now I’m driving down the street as the entrance of my job gets smaller and smaller in my rear view mirror until it was out of sight. I’m feeling good and energized about hitting that elliptical machine as soon as possible. Then all of a sudden something happened.
As I was making a left turn onto the expressway an extreme heaviness suddenly came over me. My eyes started to water and my mouth is stretched open wide with the repeated sounds of yawning coming out of it over and over again. Ok really? so now I am tired? “Umm ok but you are still going to the gym.” I said to myself. The closer I got to the gym the more exhausted I became. It was ridiculous. I promise this has been happening more and more lately with the things I really need to accomplishment. Not today sis. Not today.
So, as I continue to make my way to the gym, the inner me says” stop by the house and drop off your lunch bag and take a nap.” At this time, I’m full-blown tears in the eyes tired. That nap sounds really good and feels really necessary. So, I told the inner me “No. I will drop off the lunch bag so the food in it won’t spoil then I will get dressed and get back in the car to go to the gym.” Well I think you can imagine how that worked out. I eventually got back in the car but it took a few minutes longer of course. I should’ve taken my behind straight to the gym. But noooo I had fresh lunch bag food that need to be refrigerated. Just another excuse provided by the inner me.
I’m back in the car and the inner me says” Why are you pushing yourself to go to this gym? You can work on losing weight tomorrow.” What in the world in going on? This inner me chic is acting foolish as I continue to make my way to this gym. She will not win at sabotaging my effort. Not today or tomorrow. Finally I have arrived. Now here’s the funny part.
I walked in, said hello and gave the young lady my key chain badge. She says” Have a nice workout” as I began to walk towards the ladies’ locker room and low and behold this feeling of exhaustion hits my body again. Nope I’m here now. I will work out. I picked up my water bottle and my towel and walked out the locker room. Then next thing to happen is a total inner me move. I walk up to the elliptical machine, put my water bottle down and begin to step up on the machine as the inner me begins to say” I don’t like this machine.” So, because I was already tired, I stepped down off the machine and spent the next five minutes walking around the gym to find another machine I liked or I was leaving. Who is this person? and what the hell is going on? The inner me chic was really pushing her luck. So, after my self-imposed tour around the gym I went back into the locker room to regroup as I told my inner me” We are not leaving this gym without working out.” and that’s just what I did. I got my mind right and my thirty-minutes of cardio in. I felt really accomplished and happy about pushing past how I felt in the moment to give my body what it really needed. Now I can rest and know I did everything I was supposed to do. Despite the inner workings of the inner me.
For the last few days I’ve been waking up asking God first thing “Why am I alone?” I know I left my ex-husband eight years ago because I was struggling with some hurt of my own but I never expected to be single for the rest of my life God.” Or at least that’s how it feels. Then I began to reflect on the fact that I am alone when it comes to family as well. As large as my family is I have not one cousin who I can just pick up the phone and say “let’s hang out. I’ll be over in a minute” Why is this? Not to mention I have no kids at the age of 42. Again, I ask “Why is this?” and the way my mind works these questions will stay on repeat until they are answered. Luckily all my answers showed up this evening.
As the hours passed through the day, I felt better about something really significant. With all the responsibilities of being a parent to my siblings growing up it is probably time for me to be alone in order to reset and reflect on what I want my life to look and feel like at the end of each day. So when I was invited out to catch up with a friend that was in town visiting I jumped on it. Not because I needed something to do but because I knew the energy, I would be spending with this group of individuals would be reciprocated.
So around 6:30 p.m. we met up for dinner. We talked, laughed,
ate and talked some more. It was a great feeling to catch up on what this
particular friend had going on since they relocated to be closer to their
family. I felt at home as I spent time with them. It was at this moment I
realized the feeling of being alone wasn’t due to the lack of positioned people
such as a husband, cousin or a longtime high school friend. It’s due to my lack
of appreciation for what I already have in my life. Family members cross my
path in unexpected ways all the time. No they aren’t blood related but sometimes
the best love come from the people you don’t know. The best thing about this is
I know them when I feel them. The love and energy are undeniable.
So back to me feeling alone. Sometimes I just need a gently reminder that I’m never alone I am just sitting still. My life is more than a shadow.
Let the worries of the day force you to win today. Temporary concerns will shift your focus in order for you to be present in this teachable moment. Take away the good, leave the bad and keep moving forward.