Living in Singleness

Hey friend,
How are you feeling? Pretty good. I’m glad to hear that life is treating you well today.
How am I doing? I’m ok. Better than I was yesterday.  Since the last time we talked alot has happened in my life that I want to share with you.
I dealt with breakup from someone who I trusted with my heart.  He motivated me daily to move forward in everything I wanted to do. We laughed, we cried and sometimes we just spent priceless time just listening to each other.  I needed and wanted all of that so much I ignored the subtle signs.
Why would I not trust him?
Our love for music, family and the desire to create freely matched up so well I felt like we had met before.  I didn’t realize it at the time but I needed him to fill this hole in my soul. The desire to be wanted.  I gave him the responsibility of showing me he wanted me consistently in order for me to feel loved. Although he wasn’t faithful neither was I.  I haven’t been faithful with myself for a long time.
Looking back I realize although I was in a relationship for thirteen years and married for three I never really lived in my singleness.
I moved in with my ex-husband who was my boyfriend at the time when I was eighteen.  Not because I loved him but because I couldn’t get along with my mother’s boyfriend.  He was verbally abuse to me and my siblings when my mother wasn’t around.  She said during one of our many agruements one day started by him ” One of you have to go” so I left and she let me leave.  I was now living with my boyfriend to escape my current situation. No alone time there.
Fast forward to thirteen years later the feeling of uncomfortableness grew unbearable so I separated myself from my husband. Someone had my attention during this transition which made it easier to leave. No alone time here either.
This has continued for the last eight years.  I was afraid to be alone with myself forget about being single. It was not a time of reflection but a time of depression.  I was struggling to survive emotionally.  I need to be in a relationship since that was all I knew.
Yesterday I came across a sermon by Pastor Michael Todd from Transformation Church on youtube. You should really check it out.
He talked about how important it is to live in your singleness.  Hmm I never thought about it as being a necessary stage in life.   I thought I needed to be in a relationship quickly after my divorce since I was getting older which is not true at all.
My last relationship was a mirror of some of my insecurities and weakness. I blamed him for being dishonest when I was dishonest with myself. I often appreciated the time we weren’t together because I knew if we were together all the time I would commit my everything to him instead of HIM. It scared me that I may neglect my goals to be in relationship. That fear was a sign that this isn’t the time to be in any relationship.  I know now I need to focus on what God wants me to do. Everything will fall into place in His time.
Well friend I’ll talk to you later.
With Hugs and Love,
Lakell

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