National Child Abuse Prevention Month – Day 1

April 1, 2020

10:50 p.m.

I am a survivor of child molestation who believes in honoring the survivors of sexual every year in April. For the last three years I’ve had the honor of hosting a safe place platform named The Living as a Survivor Telesummit. The platform gave women and men the opportunity to share their stories of surviving sexual, physical and mental abuse whether it was at the hands of their parents, family or friends.

This year I’ve decided to recap of some of the survivor’s sayings mentioned during thee interviews. Please be mindful that a trigger warning has been placed on this content. I pray the journey to healing for you is as freeing as mine has been for me so far.

Subscribe to The Pen Letter for weekly survivor support. Happy Healing!

Living in a Safe Place

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

March 30, 2020

9:43 p.m.

Never in a million years would I’ve ever thought the place and space I would grow up in as a child would be full of broken safety. I spent a lot of time trying to find my place in the world. I never felt like I fitted in anywhere. I was always the outsider in the group. I had a hard time making friends even before the abuse happened. I made up in my mind that I was just different instead unwanted. I just wanted to feel safe and that’s what happen when I started writing my feelings down on paper.

I wrote in the dark with tears stream down my face many nights. I allowed my journal to keep my secrets feelings of suicide and low self-esteem so I could sleep at night. I continued this practice well throughout my teenage years to cope with my abuse. I couldn’t trust anyone so I decide to trust me and the way I showed trust to myself was through my nightly writing session in the dark.

Photo by Josh Nuttall on Unsplash

When I became an adult I transitioned into writing songs and poems to continue to strengthen this very safe place I had created for myself with the support of God’s hand on my shoulder for reassurance that things would get better just keep writing yourself those letters. It has been a pivotal part of my healing process that I continue to do each and every day. Although I have come a long, long way from when I first started this journey I still have some work to finish. I hope your safe place is still safe for you as well.

With lots of love and a big hug,

Lakell

Survivor Sunday Healing Tip

Hey lady,

How are you feeling? I know you are probably tired of resting so much now since it’s been about a long two weeks of quarantine due to Rona but let’s not get stagnant.. okay.

I need you to complete this task to help support your healing by staying present in the moment. Here’s it is:

When you finish the task let me know by leaving a comment under the post. I want to know how you felt from start to finish in order to explain why I chose this healing tip to share with you.

I promise to elaborate on this healing tip in detail at The Pen Letter on a later date so make sure you are signed up to receive the email notifications.

With lots of love and a big hug,

Lakell

Generous living during Covid-19

Photo by Erik Mclean on Unsplash

March 25, 2020

8:48 a.m.

I woke up to another peaceful morning of stillness. It is amazing to me that despite the Covid-19 statistics and the constant 24 hours updates on the dead tolls from this deadly virus, peace still has a way of showing up every day for me.

I don’t know what it is but it is good to see the world slowing down even if it is by force. I’m one of the many people who still go out to the grocery store and to workout like nothing is going on. I know, I know…. I need to keep my butt in the house especially when I’m not at work. I could feel your energy as I wrote that admission of slight disobedience to the instructions given only by the CDC, WHO and your president. I promise I will do better starting today.

So back to my original thought for writing this blog post. While you are out and about buying the essential items needed for your household like food, paper towels and toilet tissue please remember to be generous. Please leave something on the shelf for your neighbor. It makes no sense to have a whole room full of toilet tissue if you don’t need it all right now. If you’re going buy it all at least drop off some to a senior citizen that can’t get out the house, or a single father or mother who may not have the time to stop by a grocery store after work. We can’t forget to be a blessing to others despite our fears.

Photo by John Cameron on Unsplash

If you can’t find any toilet tissue right now make sure to check with your local Family Dollar and Dollar General. These stores will have plenty in stock due to there limit restriction per household. I was able to pick up a few first thing this morning not only for me but also for my co worker’s family.

If you are blessed to still have a job, a roof over your head and food in the fridge be thankful but don’t be greedy.

Stay safe, wash your hands, cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze and don’t touch your face.

With lots of love and a big hug,

Lakell

Psst…before you go my friend don’t forget to sign up my weekly newsletter The Pen Letter, a safe place for survivors to grow.

Living with Inner Me

When I received the great news from my boss that I was leaving from work in ten hours instead of twelve hours today I said”Ok, that’s good. I’ll be able to go ahead and get the gym out the way.” Right? Right!! I was excited and ready to go. So, when the time clock struck 16:06 p.m. I was out the door. This is when the nonsense in my mind began.

Now I’m driving down the street as the entrance of my job gets smaller and smaller in my rear view mirror until it was out of sight. I’m feeling good and energized about hitting that elliptical machine as soon as possible. Then all of a sudden something happened.

As I was making a left turn onto the expressway an extreme heaviness suddenly came over me. My eyes started to water and my mouth is stretched open wide with the repeated sounds of yawning coming out of it over and over again. Ok really? so now I am tired? “Umm ok but you are still going to the gym.” I said to myself. The closer I got to the gym the more exhausted I became. It was ridiculous. I promise this has been happening more and more lately with the things I really need to accomplishment. Not today sis. Not today.

So, as I continue to make my way to the gym, the inner me says” stop by the house and drop off your lunch bag and take a nap.” At this time, I’m full-blown tears in the eyes tired. That nap sounds really good and feels really necessary. So, I told the inner me “No. I will drop off the lunch bag so the food in it won’t spoil then I will get dressed and get back in the car to go to the gym.” Well I think you can imagine how that worked out. I eventually got back in the car but it took a few minutes longer of course. I should’ve taken my behind straight to the gym. But noooo I had fresh lunch bag food that need to be refrigerated. Just another excuse provided by the inner me.

I’m back in the car and the inner me says” Why are you pushing yourself to go to this gym? You can work on losing weight tomorrow.” What in the world in going on? This inner me chic is acting foolish as I continue to make my way to this gym. She will not win at sabotaging my effort. Not today or tomorrow. Finally I have arrived. Now here’s the funny part.

I walked in, said hello and gave the young lady my key chain badge. She says” Have a nice workout” as I began to walk towards the ladies’ locker room and low and behold this feeling of exhaustion hits my body again. Nope I’m here now. I will work out. I picked up my water bottle and my towel and walked out the locker room. Then next thing to happen is a total inner me move. I walk up to the elliptical machine, put my water bottle down and begin to step up on the machine as the inner me begins to say” I don’t like this machine.” So, because I was already tired, I stepped down off the machine and spent the next five minutes walking around the gym to find another machine I liked or I was leaving. Who is this person? and what the hell is going on? The inner me chic was really pushing her luck. So, after my self-imposed tour around the gym I went back into the locker room to regroup as I told my inner me” We are not leaving this gym without working out.” and that’s just what I did. I got my mind right and my thirty-minutes of cardio in. I felt really accomplished and happy about pushing past how I felt in the moment to give my body what it really needed. Now I can rest and know I did everything I was supposed to do. Despite the inner workings of the inner me.

Living Familyless

survivor's shadow

For the last few days I’ve been waking up asking God first thing “Why am I alone?” I know I left my ex-husband eight years ago because I was struggling with some hurt of my own but I never expected to be single for the rest of my life God.” Or at least that’s how it feels. Then I began to reflect on the fact that I am alone when it comes to family as well. As large as my family is I have not one cousin who I can just pick up the phone and say “let’s hang out. I’ll be over in a minute” Why is this? Not to mention I have no kids at the age of 42. Again, I ask “Why is this?” and the way my mind works these questions will stay on repeat until they are answered. Luckily all my answers showed up this evening.

As the hours passed through the day, I felt better about something really significant. With all the responsibilities of being a parent to my siblings growing up it is probably time for me to be alone in order to reset and reflect on what I want my life to look and feel like at the end of each day. So when I was invited out to catch up with a friend that was in town visiting I jumped on it. Not because I needed something to do but because I knew the energy, I would be spending with this group of individuals would be reciprocated.

So around 6:30 p.m. we met up for dinner. We talked, laughed, ate and talked some more. It was a great feeling to catch up on what this particular friend had going on since they relocated to be closer to their family. I felt at home as I spent time with them. It was at this moment I realized the feeling of being alone wasn’t due to the lack of positioned people such as a husband, cousin or a longtime high school friend. It’s due to my lack of appreciation for what I already have in my life. Family members cross my path in unexpected ways all the time. No they aren’t blood related but sometimes the best love come from the people you don’t know. The best thing about this is I know them when I feel them. The love and energy are undeniable.

So back to me feeling alone. Sometimes I just need a gently reminder that I’m never alone I am just sitting still. My life is more than a shadow.

Living for my Nephew (Open Letter)

Hey friend,

How are you feeling today? Pretty good. I’m glad to hear you’re doing well. Let me ask you question. Are you an auntie? Yes you said. Oh good so am I!! Isn’t auntiehood a blessing? Yes I made the word up lol.

Well I asked you that question because I want to share a letter with you I decided to write to my nephew.  I want him to have something he can look back on and read forever.  Do you have a few minutes to read it? Yes you said. Ok good. Here it is…

My dear nephew, 

I love you today, tomorrow and yesterday.  From the first day your mommy brought you home from the hospital I’ve been in love.  You’ve always been a happy child with a smile that would light up a room for days.  Never change this about yourself.  It’s a rare trait to possess in today’s world and since God gave it to you it’s a must you never lose it.  

open letter to my nephew

I’m writing you this letter to encourage your journey ahead as a sophomore in high school.  This is the time for you to start preparing  for your next move in life.  I want you to begin asking yourself questions like” What do I want to do? What do I like? What do I love? How will I show up in the world?”because although your parents brought you into this world you have an individual assignment to fulfill.  You are responsible for how you choose to live your life from this day forward.  I know you want to make your mommy, daddy and sisters proud which is perfectly ok but never forget about making yourself proud first.  Now I know you may not be able to answer the questions I mentioned earlier right away but I want you to start preparing your mind for manifestation.  What is manifestation you ask?  Simply put it is asking God for what you want then waiting on Him to reveal it to you.  You deserve it all.  I want you to be ready for when it comes.  You are a beautiful soul with a big heart.  You are hard-headed sometimes but I’ve seen the lessons learned make you stronger.  

I want you to continue to learn your craft.  Your talent for singing has elevated you to a nurturing school enviornment with unlimited opportunities.  Take advantage of them all.  This is a blessing that not everyone will get to experience.  You were chosen so don’t ever forget to let God know you’re thankful.  

The last thing I want you to do is to continue to love honestly.  Check in with your heart often to see if it’s getting all it needs.  It’s important in order for it to continue to work correctly.  Ask questions and start again.  Enjoy the journey and never give up!!

I love you always and forever Monta,

With Hugs and Love,

Auntie Kelly

 

What advice would you give your nephew?

Salute to the Savior Sunday

Hey friend,

How are you feeling today? Not so well . Sorry to hear this is going on with you right now.  May I pray for you? You said yes. Ok well here you go.

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for waking me up this morning to see another day.

I woke with a clear heart and mind ready to receive the blessing of this day.

I thank you for all the connections whether new or old that will come my way today.

I pray the reconnection will be a blessing to us both.  I pray for my family and friend’s health and wellbeing so they may operate in your Will today, Lord.

I surrender and trust your Will for my life as well Lord.

I will continue to learn my craft in order to perfect my assignment.

Thank you for trusting me with such a fulfilling purpose, Lord.

In your name I pray,

AMEN

I hope this prayer is a blessing for you my friend.

With Hugs and Love,

Lakell

Living in Singleness

Hey friend,
How are you feeling? Pretty good. I’m glad to hear that life is treating you well today.
How am I doing? I’m ok. Better than I was yesterday.  Since the last time we talked alot has happened in my life that I want to share with you.
I dealt with breakup from someone who I trusted with my heart.  He motivated me daily to move forward in everything I wanted to do. We laughed, we cried and sometimes we just spent priceless time just listening to each other.  I needed and wanted all of that so much I ignored the subtle signs.
Why would I not trust him?
Our love for music, family and the desire to create freely matched up so well I felt like we had met before.  I didn’t realize it at the time but I needed him to fill this hole in my soul. The desire to be wanted.  I gave him the responsibility of showing me he wanted me consistently in order for me to feel loved. Although he wasn’t faithful neither was I.  I haven’t been faithful with myself for a long time.
Looking back I realize although I was in a relationship for thirteen years and married for three I never really lived in my singleness.
I moved in with my ex-husband who was my boyfriend at the time when I was eighteen.  Not because I loved him but because I couldn’t get along with my mother’s boyfriend.  He was verbally abuse to me and my siblings when my mother wasn’t around.  She said during one of our many agruements one day started by him ” One of you have to go” so I left and she let me leave.  I was now living with my boyfriend to escape my current situation. No alone time there.
Fast forward to thirteen years later the feeling of uncomfortableness grew unbearable so I separated myself from my husband. Someone had my attention during this transition which made it easier to leave. No alone time here either.
This has continued for the last eight years.  I was afraid to be alone with myself forget about being single. It was not a time of reflection but a time of depression.  I was struggling to survive emotionally.  I need to be in a relationship since that was all I knew.
Yesterday I came across a sermon by Pastor Michael Todd from Transformation Church on youtube. You should really check it out.
He talked about how important it is to live in your singleness.  Hmm I never thought about it as being a necessary stage in life.   I thought I needed to be in a relationship quickly after my divorce since I was getting older which is not true at all.
My last relationship was a mirror of some of my insecurities and weakness. I blamed him for being dishonest when I was dishonest with myself. I often appreciated the time we weren’t together because I knew if we were together all the time I would commit my everything to him instead of HIM. It scared me that I may neglect my goals to be in relationship. That fear was a sign that this isn’t the time to be in any relationship.  I know now I need to focus on what God wants me to do. Everything will fall into place in His time.
Well friend I’ll talk to you later.
With Hugs and Love,
Lakell

Inspired by Sundays

Hey friend,

It’s been awhile since we last talked. I have so much to share with you since I’ve been away. I have been off growing, thinking and loving every part of who I am becoming.

I have a little inspiration I want to share with you!!
Check out my latest video

I hope it is a blessing to you!!

With Hugs and Love,

Lakell