Never in a million years would I’ve ever thought the place and space I would grow up in as a child would be full of broken safety. I spent a lot of time trying to find my place in the world. I never felt like I fitted in anywhere. I was always the outsider in the group. I had a hard time making friends even before the abuse happened. I made up in my mind that I was just different instead unwanted. I just wanted to feel safe and that’s what happen when I started writing my feelings down on paper.
I wrote in the dark with tears stream down my face many nights. I allowed my journal to keep my secrets feelings of suicide and low self-esteem so I could sleep at night. I continued this practice well throughout my teenage years to cope with my abuse. I couldn’t trust anyone so I decide to trust me and the way I showed trust to myself was through my nightly writing session in the dark.
When I became an adult I transitioned into writing songs and poems to continue to strengthen this very safe place I had created for myself with the support of God’s hand on my shoulder for reassurance that things would get better just keep writing yourself those letters. It has been a pivotal part of my healing process that I continue to do each and every day. Although I have come a long, long way from when I first started this journey I still have some work to finish. I hope your safe place is still safe for you as well.
When I received the great news from my boss that I was leaving from work in ten hours instead of twelve hours today I said”Ok, that’s good. I’ll be able to go ahead and get the gym out the way.” Right? Right!! I was excited and ready to go. So, when the time clock struck 16:06 p.m. I was out the door. This is when the nonsense in my mind began.
Now I’m driving down the street as the entrance of my job gets smaller and smaller in my rear view mirror until it was out of sight. I’m feeling good and energized about hitting that elliptical machine as soon as possible. Then all of a sudden something happened.
As I was making a left turn onto the expressway an extreme heaviness suddenly came over me. My eyes started to water and my mouth is stretched open wide with the repeated sounds of yawning coming out of it over and over again. Ok really? so now I am tired? “Umm ok but you are still going to the gym.” I said to myself. The closer I got to the gym the more exhausted I became. It was ridiculous. I promise this has been happening more and more lately with the things I really need to accomplishment. Not today sis. Not today.
So, as I continue to make my way to the gym, the inner me says” stop by the house and drop off your lunch bag and take a nap.” At this time, I’m full-blown tears in the eyes tired. That nap sounds really good and feels really necessary. So, I told the inner me “No. I will drop off the lunch bag so the food in it won’t spoil then I will get dressed and get back in the car to go to the gym.” Well I think you can imagine how that worked out. I eventually got back in the car but it took a few minutes longer of course. I should’ve taken my behind straight to the gym. But noooo I had fresh lunch bag food that need to be refrigerated. Just another excuse provided by the inner me.
I’m back in the car and the inner me says” Why are you pushing yourself to go to this gym? You can work on losing weight tomorrow.” What in the world in going on? This inner me chic is acting foolish as I continue to make my way to this gym. She will not win at sabotaging my effort. Not today or tomorrow. Finally I have arrived. Now here’s the funny part.
I walked in, said hello and gave the young lady my key chain badge. She says” Have a nice workout” as I began to walk towards the ladies’ locker room and low and behold this feeling of exhaustion hits my body again. Nope I’m here now. I will work out. I picked up my water bottle and my towel and walked out the locker room. Then next thing to happen is a total inner me move. I walk up to the elliptical machine, put my water bottle down and begin to step up on the machine as the inner me begins to say” I don’t like this machine.” So, because I was already tired, I stepped down off the machine and spent the next five minutes walking around the gym to find another machine I liked or I was leaving. Who is this person? and what the hell is going on? The inner me chic was really pushing her luck. So, after my self-imposed tour around the gym I went back into the locker room to regroup as I told my inner me” We are not leaving this gym without working out.” and that’s just what I did. I got my mind right and my thirty-minutes of cardio in. I felt really accomplished and happy about pushing past how I felt in the moment to give my body what it really needed. Now I can rest and know I did everything I was supposed to do. Despite the inner workings of the inner me.
It’s been awhile since we last talked. I have so much to share with you since I’ve been away. I have been off growing, thinking and loving every part of who I am becoming.
I have a little inspiration I want to share with you!!
Check out my latest video
I am grateful that you saw fit for me to continue your work today, Lord.
I wake up today with a clear mind, soul and heart
which will make room for the thoughts, feelings and love you have in store for me today.
I surrender to your Will today Lord.
Thank you for choosing me to carry the light.
Although sometimes I doubt I am worthy of such an assignment
you remind me that I was called.
Lord, please cover my readers as they travel through out their day.
Bless every step and speak to their hearts right now , Oh Lord.
I said I love you..
but you replied” that’s not what I said”
but I heard you
you replied” it wasn’t me
maybe it was the voices in your head”
I don’t understand why not
because that’s what you are suppose to do.
You’re my mother, my father, you’re my sister and my friend
and you are suppose to be my lover
but when I responded” I love you”
you said ” that’s not what I said”
What was the misunderstanding of what you said
was it the fact that I needed it , wanted it
or was it the fact that you showed it but really didn’t mean it.
Why did I misunderstand what you said when I clearly heard you say I love you
or did you say I hate you
It feels like a familiar translation of what I wished you would say.
I said I love you..
but you replied” that’s not what I said”
Question: How many times have you misunderstood the intentions of the word love in relationships?
Have you ever really took the time to sit with your emotions? Do you know what your happy feels like and when you are living in it the most? If your answer is no, let’s see what we can do about that right now:)
I have learned that emotions have a life as well. They can control you negatively or positively based on the decision you make after the feeling is executed. It’s all up to you.
For me I have started becoming more aware of how I really feel due to me active involvement in daily journaling. Journaling is so much more than just writing.
But that’s another blog for another day 🙂
Today I would like to discuss how you rate your happy.  Do you wait for someone to let you know if your happy or do you control your own happiness? Yes, No or maybe:)
Here is a mini journaling assignment I do to remind myself to live in the moment with my emotions right now.
Here is a sample of my journaling assignment for today:
I am happiest when my heart feels….
Excited
Protection
Nurtured
Fulfilled
Inspired
Acknowledged
Peaceful
The lesson I gained from today’s assignment is that paying attention to my heart determines how I show up in my today.
I challenge you to do yourself a favor tonight and complete this assignment. Let me know if it was helpful for you as well.
So until next time…Remember you are alive to live!!
Living as Lakell 